Friday, December 19, 2008

Gosselins Gone Wild

Yesterday while talking to my sister, I remarked how funny it would be to see the kids from Jon + Kate + 8 in fifteen years, to see what they would be up to. Who would be happily married? Who would have a successful career? Who would be dead? There are so many great and funny scenarios, but the funniest would have to be......Gosselins Gone Wild.


I'd love to say that Mady is misunderstood, that she has a brother/sister complex, that she has a hard life but really....Mady's just a C U Next Tuesday. I'm sorry, but she is. She's also pretty much me at age 8...or any age, really. Storming out of rooms, refusing to participate, pouting--she's the pits, really. So Mady at age 23 is sure to be a scary sight. I'm predicting this:

Coked out, schizo, freaky stripper. You know she'll have a few kids somewhere, probably with multiple baby daddies, and she'll be estranged from the whole family. Please, she'll probably run away from home at age 14, live in a shelter for a few years, then meet a nice man named Tyrone who will rough her around a bit "because he loves her." You better change your ways, Mady G!

Oh Hannah. Lovable and nurturing, Hannah is the "mother" of the kids. And we all know what happens to the mothering and nurturing ones, now don't we?

Yup! Fat girl, here you come! Now put down that spoon and pick up some weights! No! Hannah, don't pick up the...don't pick up....

Oh boy.

"The Professor," as everyone calls him, like there's really any question as to what Aaden is going to turn out to be.
I'm sorry little man, but you're not getting laid until you're 38. At least. If ever. Them's be the breaks kid!


The J+ K + 8 website describes Alexis as a "happy child who loves to laugh." There's really only one way that Alexis can end up:
Hemp necklace? Dreadlocks? Long sleeved T? Uh oh.....looks like a bi-sexual experience while high is in store for someone pretty soon!! Get ready Gosselins, you're going to be hearing a lot of Bob Marley coming from Lexi's room with odd smells sneaking out from under the door.
Joel is daddy's little buddy. I love his cute little lisp and the glazed over stare he gives when he's in trouble. The website says that he "keeps to himself and flys under the radar a lot." We all know what that means....
Oh don't tell me what I think you'

Oh. Joel. My. look a little hope Jon doesn't Pretty girl, pretty girl....


Cara is the oldest and is described as " sweet, friendly, and girly." She really is the most well-adjusted of the whole bunch but I can't help but think that she's really just going to take after her mother and have a bunch of kids. And when I say "a bunch of kids" well, I'm not kidding.
Cara!!! Noooo!!! TLC is never going to be rid of your family, are they? Because we all know that you're going to just continue the tradition: "Jon and Kate Plus 8 Part 2: Cara's Turn."


Colin's the shit. Clearly the cutest, the most stubborn, the toughest, you know he'll grow up to be awesome. He'll have all the ladies, he'll be a good student, and probably Homecoming King two or three times.

Welcome to your future, Colin. And congrats! You made it out unscath......oh...wait....this is Colin at age 19, in fifteen years. One year later he joins a Frat House in college and.... close.


The smallest girl, Leah...well...she's kind of forgettable. Which is ironic because she's totally going to turn into the high school ho. She'll be totally pop pop pop popular. She and Colin will be partners in crime. She'll definitely hit rock bottom but will bounce back after a battle with
Hey. Don't judge. You know one of them had to deal with it. It's really just a call for attention. We're rooting for you Leah! Don't turn into a Mady!

Jon did your best Jon. R.I.P.!!!

And finally.......

Oh Kate......well.....this bitch'll outlive us all. But eternal mortality does come with consequences.
Because you know raising eight kids done drove a bitch crazy!!! Lexi, Cara, Colin, and maybe Joel will visit her in the loony bin but you know everyone will just resent her for life.

So that's what the G's will be up to in...

"But Wait!" you exclaim. "What about Aunt Jody?!"

YEEEEEIKES! The years have not been kind....


Spenc said...

Um, Future Colin is HOT!

Who is that??

Anonymous said...

Um, I must say that is quite a clever and hilarious post. Well done.
I figure since Ill see ya soon ill just to you then.

Jwise said...

This is absolutely genius Bri - and yes, future Colin is totes hot Spenc!

Anonymous said...

My favorite post yet! One question, though. How'd you find a future picture of Colin that acually looks like Colin? And the Aunt Jody picture... as you would say it: "Brills!" -justine

doug said...

I have such a mix of love and hate for this post. I mean, I am very opposed to the futures you have bestowed on these kids, and I refuse to believe you're right... but also... kinda funny...

Erica said...

Brian, this is the best thing I've ever read. I don't watch John and Kate + 8, but I might now! You should contact TLC and promote shows for them. Top drawer, buddy.

Macy Perrone said...

brian, brian!
this is so funny. as i sat my keester on the sofa watchin' the season premier on my dvr i thought, no lie, i wonder how effed up these kids are gonna be in 10 years. seeing this link on FB was like you read my mind. oh, and i think you are spot on!!! thanks for the laugh

Anonymous said...

pretty much truth. We should all save this post and be sure to double check it in 15
xoxo Q