Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Top 15 Most Awkward Moments from last night's "The Bachelor"

Last night after watching "The Bachelor," Sarah and Becky emailed me requesting a blog post touching on the events of this episode. At first I was a tad stumped. "Sure, it was a great episode, but can I really eke an entire blog post out of it?" Well it turns out, I can!! I now present to you The Top 15 Most Awkward Moments of Monday night's "The Bachelor" And even if you don't watch the show, read on. There are things from last night's episode we can all learn from.

The Top 15 Most Awkward Moments of Monday Night's "The Bachelor" in chronological order

1. Nikki's Freaking Out

This week, all of the ladies were challenged to write a song to Jason, detailing their love for him. For the most part, everyone was excited for this challenge. But then......there's Nikki. Adorable, lovable, Debbie Downer ass Nikki. Homegirl was not too happy to sing in front of everyone, especially Jason, and made sure she let us know by crying, whining, and then crying some more.

2. Nikki's Song

Nikki ended up singing, and she didn't have that bad of a voice...but her song was about her children. That she doesn't have. No, she was signing a song to her future children. Uh....wasn't this supposed to be a song about Jason? She then had the audacity to be pissed about not getting the date rose. Stupid bitch. I hate Nikki.

3. Molly's a ho

So J picked Molly (whose name I thought was actually Holly until I looked it up this morning) as the winner of the song competition and therefore the winner of the one on date. They had smores by a campfire, then she stayed the night in his tent. The next morning, she did the first ever Bachelor walk of shame!! A tad awkward walking into the house wearing Jason's clothes and showing off to all the other girls who are trying to win Jason's affection, donchathink?!

4. Shannon, Part 1

Shannon's a freak. Shannon's a stalker. And Shannon could not get Jason to kiss her no matter how hard she tried. This week the group date visited the set of General Hospital and did fake scenes together. Some random soap stars were going to show the girls how to kiss on camera and wouldn't you know it Shannon stepped up to the plate and volunteered. This is the girl who knows the names of Jason's Brother's girlfriends. Dude--you should have voted her off week 1! Do not kiss your stalker!

5. Kissing Naomi

I happen to like Naomi. But it turned my stomach watching her kiss him take after take after take. Mostly because I had to see all of the other girls' reactions over and over again, but also because I was a little jealous.

6. Kissing Jillian

I also happen to like Jillian. There's no way she'll win, but I like her. The most awkward thing about this moment? The wig, the makeup, the coat....good for you for finally getting a kiss Jill, but if this is the way you gotta go about it? I dunno, I'd rethink things in the future.

7. Kissing Megan

The single mom that no one in the house likes? She was STOKED to finally kiss Jason in her G.H. scene! Unfortunately, no one ever heard from Jason again after she SWALLOWED HIS FACE. Less is more sweetie, less is more. Sorry you went home, btw.

8. Lauren is crazy

Meet Lauren. Lauren is crazy. Scratch that--Lauren is a crazy BITCH. Homegirl thought it would be smart to be bold and tell Jason that "If you don't give me the group date rose, I'll be pissed off." She wasn't asking, she was telling. Bossy is good Lauren, but only in bed. And not on a date with a guy who clearly doesn't like you. You can't FORCE someone into liking you---trust me, I've tried. Seeing as your pushiness got you sent home, might I suggest a more subtle approach next time?

9. Shannon, Part 2

Oh Shannon, your entire performance on this group date was just humiliating. First you forced Jason into kissing you (there was no way he could have said no!) and then you steal him away only to cry. Telling him things like how you "put your heart on your shoulder" (uh...isn't it sleeve?) and how badly you "want to meet Ty" while sobbing really don't help your case. And then there was....

10. Shannon Part 3, The Napkin

Oh dear God, the napkin. After she blubbered on his shoulder, Jason was nice enough to hand her a napkin so she could wipe the impending snot off her mouth. I have never seen an uglier wiping of nose. Honey, if you're with the man you're trying to get with, don't stick the napkin directly up your nose. And then HANDING it to him? Girl, what is your problem?! The sad thing? Shannon wasn't done yet.

11. Shannon Part 4, The Napkin Part 2

After everything, Shannon sticks her lips out to Jason, who politely kisses her. Then she wipes some snot away, and he picks dried up napkin off her lips. SEXY.

12. Stephanie and Nikki's Dance Off
Stephanie and Nikki were picked for the two on one date, meaning that one girl would get the rose and stay, and the other would be sent packing. Before we could find this out though, the girls had dinner and dancing lessons. I don't know which was more awkward-- the actual dancing, or the fact that each girl interrupted the other after about a minute of dancing. "Can I cut in?" "It's my turn!" "Please do allow me to steal him back." "I'm just barely out of an 11 year relationship, let me dance with him!" "My husband died, I deserve it more!" "I'm single!" "I'm a single mom!" "Bitch!" "Whore!" F'real. Awks.

13. Nikki's Goodbye Speech

It was totally obvi that Nikki was going to be the one sent packing. She and Jason had like, ZERO in common, and she was totally tragic. My favorite part of the night Nikki ever though, was when she was in the limo on her way home. And I quote: " I never saw this coming. Never. Jason and I had a great connection. I don't want to say 'I deserve this,' but I deserve this. Stephanie is wonderful, and had a wonderful marriage with a great man. Unfortunately, he died. I've never been married. It's my turn." Ah Nikki, I shall miss you so.

14. Crazy Bitch's Kiss

After Lauren said to Jason "you didn't give me the rose, I'm pissed at you." She went on to say "so why don't you kiss me? You haven't kissed me yet. Kiss me!" Jason tittered nervously and obliged out of politeness. Lauren then proceeded to eat his face.
And the fifteenth most awkward moment from last night's "The Bachelor....".....which really was the most awkward....
15. "You get a rose! You get a rose! You get a rose!" but you three don't.

By this point in the night, Nikki had already gone home. Jill, Naomi, Melissa, Molly, and Steph received roses. We had three girls left: crazy bitch Lauren, Stalker bitch Shannon, and Single mom bitch Megan. There was only one rose left. Cut to Jason saying "I'm sorry, I can't hand out this final rose. It wouldn't be fair to any of you to keep you here." AWKWARD. I wonder why he felt the need to send home the only three girls whom he was FORCED to kiss. Lesson learned. If there's one thing this Bachelor episode, and I for that matter, can teach anyone out there, it's that you can't force anyone to kiss you. It has to happen naturally.
Or at the very least, drunkenly.


Becky Avery Rhead said...

Not only was I rolling while reading this...but I feel 10xs better than I did about 2 minutes ago. Thanks for the recap. It was exactly what we hoped for when we requested it.

Sarah said...

I have comments to make on your recap.
1- loved it
2- I now have Molly's song "Jason, you give me butterflies. If we get together we'll be like coke and fries, Jason!" stuck in my head.
3- Jillian and Jason have totally kissed before... right? She's my favorite chick... she's gotten all the roses and she's never gotten the lip? WHAT THE???
4-Lauren is crazy. I agree with you: keep dominating in the bedroom and out of a rose ceremony.
5- Lauren is crazy. Litterally the next SENTANCE after "I'm mad at you" is "kiss me." SERIOUSLY? Seriously.
6- Memo to self: don't make men kiss you, it will only end badly.

emily said...

if you update like this every week, I won't even have to watch the show! (I love your college pics too btw)

bridgetloay said...

aaah, doesn't it make you proud to have grown up in grand rapids...represented by the ultimate bachelor ho, aaahahahaha! and to think, before her walk of shame they put her on the front page of the GR Press, but redeemed themselves by calling her a slut on the morning news. good ol' GR.

Megs said...

Doing a little blog surfing and found this. I laughed so hard I am now crying. I can't believe that Shannon would kiss Jason with snotty napkin stuck to her mouth. YUCK!

Just a bachelor fan myself.