Wednesday, February 18, 2009

America's Next Top Prostie

The Las Vegas Review Journal posted a list of "Las Vegas' 50 Most Prolific Prostitutes" and boooyyyyyyy, there are some lookers in the bunch! I can understand why guys would want to sleep with women, I can even understand why some losers would want a prostitute--but if you're going to get a prostie, wouldn't you at least want something semi-attractive? Or you could just go to the Bunny Ranch!


Don't front, I know you all know what the Bunny Ranch is.

In honor of America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 starting in a few weeks, I decided to play Tyra with the ladies of the Vegas 50.

"I have 14....beau...lovel...attrac....whorey girls in front of me. But only one can be America's.... Next....Top....Prostie. The girl whose name I do NOT call, must immediately go back to their corner, pack their three belongings, and leave."




"Shiny"


"Shiny, you had the best picture in the bunch this week. Keep it up. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"The next name I am going to call is....


Asian Brite."

"You passed the makeup challenge today with flying colors. Those fake eyelashes done saved you guurrrrl. Congratulations you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"Red."

"After a rough start, you have emerged from the background and really proved yourself this week. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."



"The next name is...


Claudia Schiffer."

"Claudia, I know that you're disappointed it has come down to this, but you need to take your attitude and check. It. At. The. Corner. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"Bucky."

"Your decision this week to forego the tooth reduction surgery I offered you was the wrong one but I'm hoping that next week you will reconsider and continue to excel in this competition. Congratulations, you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"The next name...is....


Fugly."

"Guuuurrrrllll, I am LOVING your makeover and I give you props for staying so strong during the six hour bleaching process. Unfortunately though, you failed to smile with your eyes in this week's picture. If you can't correct that next week, you will be in danger. Of. Going. Home. Congratulations, you're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"The next name I am going to call....is...


Al Sharpton."

"Al, you still don't know how to work your makeover look. Instead of you wearing the hair, you are letting the hair. Wear. You. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."

"Lazy Eye."

"I love that you didn't let the bruise on your shoulder stop you from rocking in the challenge this week, but you still need to figure out what to do with your face in pictures because that smile....guuuurrrrll...it ain't all that. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"Pimply"

"Pimply, I have told you time and time again--SMILE with the eyes. All I see....is anger. No smiles. I need smiles. Smiling. With the eyes. Smile. Eyes. And gurlll, wash your damn face before you go to bed. No one needs to look at that. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"The next name is...


E.T."

"E.T., when I said you needed a more drastic look, this is not what I meant. I wanted to ACCENTUATE the forehead and instead, you're completely hiding it. Same with the eyebrows. I wanted subtle, and you went completely the wrong way. I am so. Dis. sa. poin. ted. in you this week. You need to figure out how to get it right, or you WILL go home. Wha--Are you laughing? This is a joke to you. You've been through anger management. You've been through your grandmother getting her lights turned off to buy you a swimsuit for your competition. And you go over there and you joke and you laugh. This is serious to these girls and this should be serious to you. Do you know that you had a possibility to win? Do you know that all of America is rooting for you? Do you know that? And then you come in here and you treat this like a joke? You come in here and look at that and say "I can't read that"? You read ten times better than half of those girls over there!!!! Ugh. I can't even look at you. Here. Take your damn picture."


"The next name is...


Brows."

"Brows, what are we gonna do with those brows? At any rate, congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."



"Piglet"


"Honey Child, you were dangerously close to going home this week. I have told you time and time again---you can't lift your head up in pictures as you have a snout! Either fix this next week, or you. Will. Be. Going. Home. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie."


"I only have one picture left in my hand. And this picture represents the girl who is still in the running to become America's. Next. To. P. Pro. s. tie. As I've said before, the girl whose name I do. not. call. must immediately go back to their corner. Pack up their shit. And leave.


Sleepy.

You have so. Much. Potential. But you need to figure out a way to make that potential come across in pictures.


And Skeletor.


Guuurrrlll, your makeover helped a little bit, but your face still ended up being a big. Ol. Mess. So who goes home? The girl with all the potential but doesn't know how to use it? Or the girl who is just. Plain. Ugly.

......


.....



..........


Sleepy.


Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Prostie. That means Skeletor, I'm so sorry. It's time for you to leave. But don't give up your dream! I expect to see you on streets again VERY soon."

Coming up next week: Will a Urinary Tract Infection sideline Asian Brite and risk her future in the competition? Only a Free Clinic knows for sure. And: Shiny and E.T. are involved in an altercation and one of the girls. Goes. Home.

In real life news, I'm officially sick, homeless and hungry. WOO HOO!!!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not only is that funny but also could be a spin off from Rock of Love bus.
PB

Anonymous said...

That may be the single funniest post I have read all year. Seriously. Stop. Being. Awesome.

No but seriously, please do more fun things like this because you nailed this post.

Anonymous said...

This was GOLDEN!!!! I thought the John and Kate plus 8 remix was masterful... but this... WHOA. You done outdid yourself. LOVE IT. ~jl

Anonymous said...

Oh my hell. I was trying not to laugh outloud, my students probably thought I was having a heart attack! I made the people I work with read it, they loved it almost as much as I did. This one needs to be published somehow.

The best ever.

Jamie

SB said...

How do you come up with this stuff? Seriously? You should be getting paid big bucks for your comedy genius!

Heidi said...

You just made me laugh so hard. I am pretty sure everyone in my office thinks I'm crazy. I'd show them what I am laughing about, but I don't want to have to explain what a "prostie" is.

emily said...

awesome...just plain awesome. That sums up all the greatest moments of ANTM and the Bunny Ranch in one! Right up there next to Tyra's rant about how she was rooting for them...THEY were all rooting for them...

jessica_edstrom@yahoo.com said...

It reminds me of a trip to Vegas years ago in which you tried to pimp out Shannon and I. Too bad we didn't make the list.

Jwise said...

Pro: I now have 5 different ways to spell "Guuurrrrrllll"

Con: I totally thought E.T. was Kristen Bell.