Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Top Top Modelers

In honor of BriTunes' 450th post, I decided to do a little Top Model dedication.

I know Tyra, I'm excited too, but wait for it. Little did I know that copying and pasting pictures would take me all day, so my apologies for the day late post. Better use of time than going to the gym? Totes McGotes my friends, Totes McGotes.


There have been a lot of Top Modeler's over the years, and by a lot I mean A LOT. If you figure there's roughly 13 girls every cycle, and there have been 12 cycles so far, that's 156 girls, yo! That's a whole lot of extensions/breakdowns/freak outs/high heels/tears. Of course we all have our favorites and certain tv personalities stick with us, even after that final picture is handed out. I have 15 beautiful Top Model contestants standing in front of me, but only one, can be Brian's. Favorite. Top. Mo. D. El. I put a lot of thought into the order and there was more to my placement than just "good runway, good pictures, good personality." Some of my favorites didn't necessarily make it very far, but I think you'll notice a few winners in there. I also screwed up when inserting the pictures so instead of going from last to first, we're going the anticlimatic route and going first to last. Oh well. Many thanks go out to Rich over at fourfour for letting me use his pictures and gifs. And by "letting me use" I do mean "letting me steal."



#1. Joanie - Cycle Six, Runner-Up





There's so much to love about Joanie. A former Preacher's daughter and exotic dancer, Joanie had it going ON. She consistently turned out great picture




after great picture.



Plus she was funny





see? She's calling someone 'bitch.' HILARIOUS! She also wasn't afraid to uglify herself on tv.




Oh the snaggle tooth....ooohhhh, the snaggle tooth. "I was in that dentist chair for THIR-TEEN-HOURS!!!" Loves me some Joanie! While I'm very happy that Dani won in her season, it is the only time in Top Model history I wished it could have been a tie.



#2. Eva--Cycle 3, Winner





Eva was a bitch. This we knew. But MAN, could she turn it out.





The shortest Top Model winner in the history of the show (that is, until this year, the "5'7 and under season") Eva took on bitches like Anne, Jennipher (ph? Really?) and Cassie in what is arguably the best Top Model season EVER.





Remember this shoot? Eva was TERRIFED of the spider. Modeling through the tears, that's what it's all about. You better work it bitch.



#3. Dani--Cycle 6, Winner


Dani's awesome for a couple of reasons.


1. She gave us one of my favorite Top Model pictures in the history of the competition.






2. She was very expressive.




3. She knows her angles.




4. And she gave us this gem.





I love bloopers!!!




#4. Jaslene--Cycle 8, Winner


JASHLENE!!!



Attention Wal-Mart shoppers, Jaslene is awesome. Rejected the previous year, Jaslene came back in Season 8 to win it all. She's a drag queen trapped in a woman's body (hello, Cha-Cha Diva, anyone?) Jaslene shows us she knows how to smile with her eyes.





But also turn out a fiiiiiiierce picture.






She commanded picture after picture and truly deserved the title of winna!



#5. Kahlen--Cycle 4, Runner-Up




Kahlen was robbed! ROBBED!! That slut bag Naima took the crown from her and I've been bitter ever since.





Kahlen was one of the first "I don't really know how to model but I'm awesome at it" types that went very far in the competition.





She was funny, charming, and endearing which made me like her all the same. If they ever have a "Top Model All-Stars" season, they should totally bring back Kahlen!



#6. Amanda--Cycle 3, Third Place





Sometime the mark of a good Top Model-er isn't whether or not she's an actual good model, but whether or not she's fun to make fun of. Amanda "where are my crystals I'm legally blind" was one of the best contestants EVER for this. Between crying about missing her son and telling us she was legally blind every five minutes, Amanda rocked.





It didn't hurt that she really did turn out a fierce picture...






...most of the time. I don't need to see your tramp stamp! Eeeyyyikes!



#7. Jade--Cycle 6, Third Place




Fabulous indeed Jade, fabulous indeed. You're no Danny Gokey, but you're pretty damn fabulous. You know what you're not though?

America's Next Top Best Friend. Jade brought so much dramz, so many weird moments, and so many made up words throughout her season.

So odd.


Yup, RIL odd.

But in her defense, Jade really did turn out some great pictures. Hell, she made it to the final three! She was a crazy bitch, and we loved her for it.


#8. Toccara--Cycle 3, sixth place




Well well well, if it isn't little miss....I mean...big miss....Toccara Jones. As she herself would say "my butt is big, my personality is bigger."



Personality, blue afro.....you say tomato I say vodka.

As it was though, Toccara made me laugh and really did turn in some great pictures. And she didn't go all "Celebrity Boot Camp/angry Tyra" until long after the competition. During her season she was a riot! If she didn't completely check out halfway through, who knows how far she could have gone.


#9. Yoanna--Cycle 2, Winner




Those eyes!


That range!

Those cheekbones!

Yoanna was the original queen of fierce. The clear winner from the start (please, who thought that April was going to win? Exactly) she dominated the competition and deserves a spot on the Top 15 Top Models.

#10. Caridee--Cycle 7, Winner


Part Top Model


Part Elephant, Caridee definitely brought the LOL's and was probably the most naturally gorgeous Top Modeler we've ever had.

She was cute, fun, spunky and deserving of the crown. If that bitch Melrose had won...there would've been hell to pay. I think you're pretty damn great Caridee, what do you think?

Yay, indeed.


#11. Kim--Cycle 5, fifth place

Adorable School boy lesbian chic?

Check.

Ability to turn straight girls gay?



Check. (btw, you're welcome Patrick)


Perfectly coiffed lesbi faux hawk?


Check.


Yeah, Kim pretty much rocked my world way back in Cycle 5. In fact, I met Mr. Jay while Cycle 5 was airing and one of the only things I could say was "I love Kim!" Yeah...I know. Kim was sarcastic, funny, and bitchy--perfect Top Model combination!

#12. Dionne--Cycle 9, Third Place

Wholahey Brown say wha--?


Okay, is Dionne the best Top Model ever? Absolutely not. But she was full of great quotes and comedic moments and you have to admit that she really did good face.



The problem with the girls lower on the list is that there's really not much to say about them. But it's fun to see them again after so many....Cycles. My favorite Dionne moment was when she won a challenge and the prize was to see her mom, sister, and daughter. And I quote: "I was so happy to see them, but then I look down at my daughter and my first thought was 'what the *beep* did they do to my baby's hair?!"


Rock on Wholahey, rock on. Btw, for those unaware, the models were forced to pick a "model" name and Dionne picked Wholahey. Yes, Wholahey. Shows how crazy she be!


#13. Sheena--Cycle 11, Seventh Place?

Sheena is awesome. Why? Flexible.



Pocahontas-Y....


And the ability to "smile with her eyes."


She was a hootch, and we loved her for it. Brooklyn in the house.


#14. Alison--Cycle 12, Still in Competition

Alison is totally like a troll doll. Say wha....?
Yes darling, Troll Doll. But there's just something about her I love. Who cares that she can't walk the runway to save her life? The fact of the matter is, the girl gives good face.
A little bit Mary-Kate and Ashley, a little bit dazed Heather Graham.
I have a feeling, as long as Alison continues to pump out great pictures like this

she'll go far. At this point in the season it's really anybody's game so we'll just have to wait and see! Fingers crossed that Allison is there in the end!

#15. Annaleigh--Cycle 11, Third Place

Annaleigh! What up, yo?

Annaleigh was totally gyped out of second place and even the crown (mcKey, SERIOUSLY?!) She was cute, spunky, commerical, adorable, but also able to take high fashion shots like this



Maybe it was her hair, maybe it was her attitude, but I done liked Annaleigh a whole lot.


Even if she is anticlimactic being at the end of a post like this...see?! I told you! I screwed it up! Aw hell....
Who knows how many Top Model Cycles there will be and who knows how crazy Tyra will get. To all the past, present, and future Top Modelers, I say thank you for the hours and hours of time wasted and the overwhelming desire to pretend I'm on a catwalk every time I walk down a long hallway. I shall forever be in your debt.
XoXo
Gossip Girl

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

What about Amber, the One-Legged Hypoglycemic

Spenc said...

Can't believe you left out that girl from last season who kept going "it's because I'm from europe! it's because I'm from europe!" She was ephing crazy and MADE broken-doll more than a punchline from [tos]

loved to hate her!

Kevin Doyle said...

I've never seen the show (which is probably making a lot of people breathe a sigh of relief as I'm almost 51 - April 17, just so you know) but I have to say, from the pictures you posted, I would put it as a tie for Yoanna and Annaleigh. They seem to have a lot more happening than any of the others, at least in the pictures.