Dear Homeless Man on the D Train this morning,
Sir, I'm sure that you have a very hard life. I know that it can't be easy to be homeless and don't wish that upon anyone. Well, anyone besides Danny Gokey. But that's beside the point. I'm sure that you had circumstances that were beyond your control to lead to you being homeless. However, that being said, I didn't appreciate you on the train this morning. Let me preface by saying that I'm not really a morning person. I'm cranky and prefer to be left alone. I don't like to see disturbing things before I've had my coffee. That is why, when I got on the train this morning and saw you there I didn't think much of it. There are homeless people on the train all the time, no big deal, right? But then you had to go and start touching yourself. And that makes everyone uncomfortable and isn't something I want to see before I've had my morning coffee. So if ya could, next time, keep your hands out of your pants until at LEAST 10 am, I'd appreciate it s'much.
Oh, and as a side note, if you wouldn't mind telling your friend on the E train something for me....I know that he's homeless too, and from the fact that he didn't move the entire time we were on the train he's also very sleepy and/or dead, but he needs to wash his socks. I'm sure access to a washing machine is a little difficult for him, but dude...I couldn't even stay on the train because the entire thing smelled like feet. And it was PUNGENT. So dude. C'mon. Wash your friggin' feet because that shit just ain't right.
PS. When you get a chance, holler at Frank and Laura Benton from the Bayside Mall. They're old friends of mine. Do that for me and who knows, maybe I'll put a $20 in your pay phone and cast you in the annual production of "A Christmas Carol" so you can buy your dad a new suit jacket. Kthanksbyeeeee.
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