Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Totes Jelly.

I feel like jealousy is a natural thing. It's a human emotion that is very difficult to contain but also one that is best kept under wraps. However, some things in life just. Aren't. Fair. For instance, I'm in between pant lengths - not a 32 and not a 34. Do they make 33 pant lengths? No. Exactly. NOTFAIR. My little brother is getting married and I can't even get a date. I know! NOTFAIR. I've also decided that there are a few female celebrities whose lifes are just so amazing it's NOTFAIR. Upon first glance it may appear like I'm just jealous of the men that they're sleeping with but....aw, who the hell am I kidding?


NOTFAIR

5. ScarJo


First of all, to all of my straight readers out there: You're welcome. Now then. I happen to think that Scarlett Johansson is a horrible person. I mean, she's essentially a man. She stole Alanis' fiance and left her heartbroken. But you have to admit, there's totally something just NOTFAIR about ScarJo. She gives good hair, she's got great boobs and lips, and she gets to go home and ride this every night:

NOTFAIR.


Whoops, how did that get in there?


4. Jennifer Westfeldt



'Who dat?' you're probably saying. Well not only does Jennifer star in one of my favorite movies ever (Kissing Jessica Stein) but I have two words to explain why I'm jealous of her.

JON.


HAMM.



Le Sigh. Now that's one hot peice of meat. Get it? Hamm? Meat? Ham? Meat? Ha ha....anyway...

It's not like I can even hate her because they're so FRACKIN' adorable together.



I would love to have the type of relationship I imagine they have. Not knowing them, I can't be sure but it just seems like it's filled with respect, love, intellect, and lots of laughs.


NOTFAIR.

3. Halle Berry


Halle's another one I'm not entirely in love with as a person. I mean, we all remember what she did to Storm, right?


Sigh...yes Halle...we all know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning. Now sit down.

So while she may be a bit of a tool as a person, I can't help but think it's NOTFAIR when I see pictures of her and her French baby daddy and their adorable little girl.

Are you kidding me with this?! COME ON! Does the man speak a lick of English? Who knows and who friggin' cares - LOOK at those abs! Hals, I may never forgive you for the disservice you did to Storm but I've gotta give you props for snaggin' a hottie Mc Le Pew!


2. Gwen Stefani


I happen to be a HUGE fan of Gwen Stefani. Her music, her clothing line, her style, her general celebrity persona in general. I feel like she has really worked for and deserved her success. But forgive me if I'm a little bit NOTFAIR about her life. Exhibit A:

Gorgeous and doting husband.


Exhibit B:

Gorgeous and happy child #1, Kingston


Exhibit C: Gorgeous and happy Child #2, Zuma


I wish I could be all "argh, I hate you and your life" but I can't! I can't help but just be happy for her. NOTFAIR.


1. Reese Witherspoon

Ohhhh Reese. Oooooooh Reese. I have one word to describe Reese Witherspoon: GREEDY. I mean come on, really? First of all she thinks she can go and monopolize one amazingly hot peen


and THEN she's going to give that UP and move to MY boyfriend's amazingly hot peen?!!



Are you KIDDING me with this, Reese? What is up with that?! I should smack a bitch up! It's like, you know exactly who I'm in love with and then you just SWOOP in and steal them. Add on to the fact that she has two ADORABLE kids with her ex


and I'm sorry but Reese is just a greedy bitch. And yet, still America's Sweetheart. Le sigh. Life is just NOTFAIR.

But I'm not jealous or anything.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jay Leno thinks Reece Witherspoon has a big chin. Thanks for the mention.
PB

Anonymous said...

I love your social commentary. You seriously make me laugh at least 4 times a week. Loudly. At work. People wonder what I do to laugh so hard.

XOXO
Q

Spenc said...

Wait. Jay Leno thinks Reese has a big chin? REALLY?!

Isn't that like Pamela Anderson saying that ScarJo's boobs are too big?

Jesus.